sweet revelations ❥

With finals around the corner, reality is starting to set in. And maybe its because im starting to feel over the top filled with stress and anxiety or the fact that i’m not feeling well but the bottom line is…

I miss home.

I miss it so much. And it took me awhile. Basically this entire quarter I didn’t miss anything. I was having too much fun being on my own, making new friends and just experiencing life away from home for the first time. I didn’t have to listen to anyone (sorry mom & dad) I did what I wanted and it was great.

But it was all a little weird. I expected to have a hard time adjusting to life without my parents and brothers but I didn’t. It felt natural to be alone in this new way. Even when I said my real goodbye to both my parents, I didnt cry. ME. ME who cries at everything. I felt relieved to finally close the door & be on my own. I took this as a good sign because it meant I was ready to be off alone, this little birdie was ready to leave the nest, finally. I silently thanked my parents for getting me to that point.

But then the holidays came, and I didn’t get to home.

That was the moment my heart started to hurt and yearn for my family (this is where the tears start filling my eyes for the buzzilionth time since thanksgiving). I got a job here near school, and because of work, I couldn’t go home for thanksgiving and that was where reality hit me like a bus. So this is adult-ing & it sucks. 

On the bright side, although I have yet to go home, I feel like I’ve built a stronger bond and relationship with my stepdad now that I’m gone all time. He works close to where I live and just in the few times he’s taken me out to eat, we’ve bonded. And it feels so good. We have good adult conversation and I’ve realized we have some of the same ideals and I never would have known had I not been gone.

When the time of giving thanks did come, my roommate who has in such a short time become a best friend, took me in to spend thanksgiving with her and her family and I couldn’t be more thankful (; To be around any family is better than being alone. I won’t ever be able to thank her enough.

Even though I didn’t get to go home, I still saw my momma because she saw to it that I did (starts tearing up again here). Another person i’ll never be able to show my gratitude to. Momma, thank you for doing what you did to get us together so I could see you guys, it really meant the world. I could have cried when I hugged the boys, I miss just being home with them and arguing and I never EVER thought I’d be saying that. But thank you so much for loving me unconditionally and always doing everything in your power for me when I need you most.

I didn’t and still haven’t seen my dad much since I’ve moved here but I feel like we’ve grown closer since I’ve been gone. Maybe not closer, because I’ve never really felt far from him but we just communicate more, whether its laughing over our banter via text or just his phone calls from work to check-in or me calling when something goes wrong and I can’t think of anything else to do but call the number 1 guy in my life who always seems to have an answer for everything, we talk more.

A few nights ago, he sent me a pin on pinterest (yes, he pins). I hadnt had a chance to see it because I was writing a paper (that im supposed to be writing right now lol), but anyway, he called me today to ask if I’d seen it and once we hung up and I went to look at it, I cried. He sent me a pin, that I had pinned on a private board a little over a year ago.

And this was it.

Leave it to him to only enforce what I already said once before, I’ll never look elsewhere for the traits I want in a husband because I have my dad to show me if not teach me.

I thank every god out there for blessing me with my parents. They showed me the path to becoming a woman, they made sure I knew my worth from the day I was born and they prepared me for every (or almost every because you just never know) obstacle life throws. Thank you for loving me always, teaching me life’s lessons, or letting me learn the hard way when I need to. I love you with all my heart.

So I guess I’ll end things here,

I was ready to be off in the real world. But I thought that meant I couldn’t miss home, so when I did start to miss it, it hit me hard. There was a good week where I was crying like twice a day over little things I’d remember and miss. But now, I know I’ll always miss home a little. Some days I might miss it more than others but that’s normal.

What a sweet revelation.

Advertisements

no apologies ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Born to be real, not to be perfect.”

Hey Fam ♡

It’s been a hot minute, I know, but I’m back. ツ

Some of you might remember, I was writing for the Odyssey a few months ago but I had to stop because I was starting at UCR and moving and it was all getting in the way of my writing. But now, that I’ve been here almost three months, I’m ready to start it up again. And I figure this way, through my own blog, I can write as much or as little as I want, on whatever I want and most importantly, whenever I want.

So today, when I was supposed to be paying attention in my THREE hour seminar class (sorry mom), but honestly if you were in it, you’d understand. Lol anyways, once I decided I wanted to start writing again, I looked up my articles from the Odyssey and as I was reading through them, I realized I’m not the same girl I was only those few months ago. And I like it.

I’m actually starting to feel myself again, after what feels like a few years. I think I took a few steps back and reverted to a me I don’t care to remember. When I was in high school, I spent the first two years quiet and in the background. I liked it that way. Other than those closest to me, no one really knew me. No one knew that I was actually beyond sassy for my “little 5’1″ frame” (thank you Nathan, for coining that one) . No one knew that when I laugh REALLY hard, I snort. No one knew that my favorite type of music is hip-hop (but only the explicit versions (;). No one knew that I LOVE dancing and I can dance for hours on end. Cloud can attest to this (she doesn’t call me a “beast” for nothing).

As I got older, I started to realize it was doing me no good to shy away from the world. Why was I okay to be just in the background?

I wasn’t.

For those of you who know me now, know I’m anything but shy. I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind and I never shy away from problems or confrontation. I don’t take “no” for an answer when it’s something I want. It’s not in my nature and it never was. During my junior year of high school, I started being myself with everyone because I figured “Why the hell not?” And you know what? It felt good. Senior year, that was it, I was ME for all intents and purposes. I stopped being the quiet pushover, I gained a leadership position in student government because that’s what I liked, to lead. Freshman me was so proud.

But of course, finally being my ever so soft-spoken self — just kidding, we all know I’m anything but lol — wasn’t well received by everyone. But I didn’t care which also didn’t sit well with people. I pulled a complete 180 on some people. So I get it. I rubbed them the wrong way, it happens. I used to care and adjust to what people wanted and asked of me. I wanted to please everyone but then like a switch, I just stopped. The sass may have been overboard for some people, some may have even thought me well… a bitch but I was done pleasing everyone. It just wasn’t possible and I had finally realized that. All this being said, I still had the same heart. I was still SUPER sensitive, I’d still cry at the drop of a hat, but I was just done hiding who I was.

In the last few years since I graduated high school, I softened again and I lost myself. But only in a certain aspect of my life. The sass stopped, I was ready to change when someone would so as mention (what I thought) a flaw in me. And I apologized all the time. multiple times and for everything. Gross. SO unlike me. There’s a difference in having the ability to apologize when needed and apologizing for the sake of keeping other people happy. I recognized the difference years ago,way back when but I guess I must’ve forgotten for some time.

And I may be a little jaded from being so soft these last few years but I think I needed this to realize I wasn’t myself anymore and I hadn’t been for awhile.

Needless to say, I’m back & it feels so deliciously good.