no apologies ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Born to be real, not to be perfect.”

Hey Fam ♡

It’s been a hot minute, I know, but I’m back. ツ

Some of you might remember, I was writing for the Odyssey a few months ago but I had to stop because I was starting at UCR and moving and it was all getting in the way of my writing. But now, that I’ve been here almost three months, I’m ready to start it up again. And I figure this way, through my own blog, I can write as much or as little as I want, on whatever I want and most importantly, whenever I want.

So today, when I was supposed to be paying attention in my THREE hour seminar class (sorry mom), but honestly if you were in it, you’d understand. Lol anyways, once I decided I wanted to start writing again, I looked up my articles from the Odyssey and as I was reading through them, I realized I’m not the same girl I was only those few months ago. And I like it.

I’m actually starting to feel myself again, after what feels like a few years. I think I took a few steps back and reverted to a me I don’t care to remember. When I was in high school, I spent the first two years quiet and in the background. I liked it that way. Other than those closest to me, no one really knew me. No one knew that I was actually beyond sassy for my “little 5’1″ frame” (thank you Nathan, for coining that one) . No one knew that when I laugh REALLY hard, I snort. No one knew that my favorite type of music is hip-hop (but only the explicit versions (;). No one knew that I LOVE dancing and I can dance for hours on end. Cloud can attest to this (she doesn’t call me a “beast” for nothing).

As I got older, I started to realize it was doing me no good to shy away from the world. Why was I okay to be just in the background?

I wasn’t.

For those of you who know me now, know I’m anything but shy. I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind and I never shy away from problems or confrontation. I don’t take “no” for an answer when it’s something I want. It’s not in my nature and it never was. During my junior year of high school, I started being myself with everyone because I figured “Why the hell not?” And you know what? It felt good. Senior year, that was it, I was ME for all intents and purposes. I stopped being the quiet pushover, I gained a leadership position in student government because that’s what I liked, to lead. Freshman me was so proud.

But of course, finally being my ever so soft-spoken self — just kidding, we all know I’m anything but lol — wasn’t well received by everyone. But I didn’t care which also didn’t sit well with people. I pulled a complete 180 on some people. So I get it. I rubbed them the wrong way, it happens. I used to care and adjust to what people wanted and asked of me. I wanted to please everyone but then like a switch, I just stopped. The sass may have been overboard for some people, some may have even thought me well… a bitch but I was done pleasing everyone. It just wasn’t possible and I had finally realized that. All this being said, I still had the same heart. I was still SUPER sensitive, I’d still cry at the drop of a hat, but I was just done hiding who I was.

In the last few years since I graduated high school, I softened again and I lost myself. But only in a certain aspect of my life. The sass stopped, I was ready to change when someone would so as mention (what I thought) a flaw in me. And I apologized all the time. multiple times and for everything. Gross. SO unlike me. There’s a difference in having the ability to apologize when needed and apologizing for the sake of keeping other people happy. I recognized the difference years ago,way back when but I guess I must’ve forgotten for some time.

And I may be a little jaded from being so soft these last few years but I think I needed this to realize I wasn’t myself anymore and I hadn’t been for awhile.

Needless to say, I’m back & it feels so deliciously good.