Unraveled.

“But if I write what my soul thinks, it will be visible, and the words will be its body.”

-Helen Keller

This week was something of a milestone for me as a person in her early twenties…

Earlier this week, I was had an emotional day. The kind where my world just felt upside down but I couldn’t put my finger on why. It just felt like a lot of little things-maybe they were big things now that I think about it- but big things that put together, I just couldn’t handle. And when this happens, it’s hard to see the bright side of things and this isn’t something that happens often. Everyone knows I’m a very happy-go-lucky person so when these days hit, they hit hard.

On Monday, my alarm went off at 7am for class. I woke up and told myself I just wasn’t going to wash my hair and set the alarm for 8am. I went back to sleep. That within itself, was not like me. I always give myself two hours to get ready. When I got out of the shower, I got dressed in sweats -also not me- then I go to do my makeup and I didn’t put on half of the stuff that I normally do. If you know me even in the slightest, you know I never leave the house unless I’m in a full outfit matched with accessories and makeup all done. Needless to say, this morning was already very off.

Mondays are Art History days and normally I’m excited for these days but I was sitting in my first class trying not to fall asleep. It was so hard to stay awake. My eyes were struggling to stay focused because they felt so heavy. I never had that problem in an Art History class. NEVER. I have never even felt the need for coffee before an Art History class.

So I started thinking, maybe this isn’t for me. And that’s when I started to unravel.

How am I going to be this deep in and only now realize that maybe I’m not meant for this. I was so upset. So what does this mean? What should I major in then? Have I just been wasting time and money? Is it too late to change? Everyone is going to be so mad at me. Maybe I should just stick it out, graduate and figure it out after? 

I went home and took a two hour nap because I am the QUEEN of avoiding my problems. At least momentarily. When I woke up, I started thinking more about my life and how uncertain my future was starting to look. So I had my first meltdown. I just sobbed. I have no idea what I’m doing or what I want to do anymore.

Once I calmed down, I decided I needed to go somewhere, anywhere where I could just be happy. I needed that. So I got in the car and just drove. I didn’t even have a destination in mind (I never do that, too much unknown).While I was driving, “Say” by John Mayer came on and I started crying again. When I was younger, my dad had dedicated that song to me because I always had a hard time speaking up and telling people how I was feeling. How little has changed since then. I needed my parents. I needed them to comfort me and tell me everything I was feeling was normal and that everything would be okay.

I kept driving and found myself at Barnes & Noble. My happy place. I didn’t go to buy anything. I went just to breathe and walk around. Something about the smell of books is just calming. I had brought my computer and journal thinking I’d feel better if I just wrote it all out and when I finally sat down to write, a friend texted me and asked what was going on and I unleashed it all on her (literally typed out a three paragraph essay). God bless her for reading it all. Thanks Cloud.

Her reply made me cry (in public, but I had a hat on. THANK GOD.) but these were good tears. She calmed me. She told me I was the most “resilient” person she knows. It was reading that one word that made everything better. It’s not the first time I’ve had someone tell me so but I think I just needed to be reminded.

While this was happening I got a phone call from another friend and he heard me sniffle over the phone and asked what was going on. I told him I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore and again, I was calmed so easily.

He said “What profession would you do for free?”

Easy. Teach kindergarten or write.

He then goes on to tell me he never saw me doing the Art History thing but kids? KIDS he could see. And so could I. Thank you Carlos.

Writing has always been something just for fun but this quarter I took two creative writing classes and I can’t remember the last time I was so happy to put all my effort into one thing. I love the way it challenges my comfort zone. I never thought of myself as a very closed off person but writing has shown me that I don’t share the things that matter. Superficial things are easy to share, it’s the things that you keep hidden, deep down that are worth writing. That’s scary.

Today in class, my professor told us a personal story and towards the end, she got emotional. This was her “war story”. When she was done she said, “Now tell me your ‘war story’.”

I wrote mine and I almost cried while I was writing. I have never in my life felt so exposed. What I wrote wasn’t anything I had never shared out loud but for whatever reason, writing it down on paper felt more personal. It made me so vulnerable but it felt good.

So, after the emotional meltdown, this is where I’m at now:

I’m not the same person I was two years ago when I chose Art History as a major. I never gave myself a chance to explore other options. Now that I’m starting to branch out, I’m starting to realize that I might be meant for something else.

And you know,

It’s going to be okay.

 

 

 

sweet revelations ❥

With finals around the corner, reality is starting to set in. And maybe its because im starting to feel over the top filled with stress and anxiety or the fact that i’m not feeling well but the bottom line is…

I miss home.

I miss it so much. And it took me awhile. Basically this entire quarter I didn’t miss anything. I was having too much fun being on my own, making new friends and just experiencing life away from home for the first time. I didn’t have to listen to anyone (sorry mom & dad) I did what I wanted and it was great.

But it was all a little weird. I expected to have a hard time adjusting to life without my parents and brothers but I didn’t. It felt natural to be alone in this new way. Even when I said my real goodbye to both my parents, I didnt cry. ME. ME who cries at everything. I felt relieved to finally close the door & be on my own. I took this as a good sign because it meant I was ready to be off alone, this little birdie was ready to leave the nest, finally. I silently thanked my parents for getting me to that point.

But then the holidays came, and I didn’t get to home.

That was the moment my heart started to hurt and yearn for my family (this is where the tears start filling my eyes for the buzzilionth time since thanksgiving). I got a job here near school, and because of work, I couldn’t go home for thanksgiving and that was where reality hit me like a bus. So this is adult-ing & it sucks. 

On the bright side, although I have yet to go home, I feel like I’ve built a stronger bond and relationship with my stepdad now that I’m gone all time. He works close to where I live and just in the few times he’s taken me out to eat, we’ve bonded. And it feels so good. We have good adult conversation and I’ve realized we have some of the same ideals and I never would have known had I not been gone.

When the time of giving thanks did come, my roommate who has in such a short time become a best friend, took me in to spend thanksgiving with her and her family and I couldn’t be more thankful (; To be around any family is better than being alone. I won’t ever be able to thank her enough.

Even though I didn’t get to go home, I still saw my momma because she saw to it that I did (starts tearing up again here). Another person i’ll never be able to show my gratitude to. Momma, thank you for doing what you did to get us together so I could see you guys, it really meant the world. I could have cried when I hugged the boys, I miss just being home with them and arguing and I never EVER thought I’d be saying that. But thank you so much for loving me unconditionally and always doing everything in your power for me when I need you most.

I didn’t and still haven’t seen my dad much since I’ve moved here but I feel like we’ve grown closer since I’ve been gone. Maybe not closer, because I’ve never really felt far from him but we just communicate more, whether its laughing over our banter via text or just his phone calls from work to check-in or me calling when something goes wrong and I can’t think of anything else to do but call the number 1 guy in my life who always seems to have an answer for everything, we talk more.

A few nights ago, he sent me a pin on pinterest (yes, he pins). I hadnt had a chance to see it because I was writing a paper (that im supposed to be writing right now lol), but anyway, he called me today to ask if I’d seen it and once we hung up and I went to look at it, I cried. He sent me a pin, that I had pinned on a private board a little over a year ago.

And this was it.

Leave it to him to only enforce what I already said once before, I’ll never look elsewhere for the traits I want in a husband because I have my dad to show me if not teach me.

I thank every god out there for blessing me with my parents. They showed me the path to becoming a woman, they made sure I knew my worth from the day I was born and they prepared me for every (or almost every because you just never know) obstacle life throws. Thank you for loving me always, teaching me life’s lessons, or letting me learn the hard way when I need to. I love you with all my heart.

So I guess I’ll end things here,

I was ready to be off in the real world. But I thought that meant I couldn’t miss home, so when I did start to miss it, it hit me hard. There was a good week where I was crying like twice a day over little things I’d remember and miss. But now, I know I’ll always miss home a little. Some days I might miss it more than others but that’s normal.

What a sweet revelation.

All I want 

“All I want to do is talk to you and tell you how much I miss you. I want to know how your day was and how you are feeling about everything. I want to hold you and never let you go. I fear of losing you, even though that has already happened. I feel homesick for you and the worst part is, there is nothing I can do about it. I miss you, I love you.”

no apologies ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Born to be real, not to be perfect.”

Hey Fam ♡

It’s been a hot minute, I know, but I’m back. ツ

Some of you might remember, I was writing for the Odyssey a few months ago but I had to stop because I was starting at UCR and moving and it was all getting in the way of my writing. But now, that I’ve been here almost three months, I’m ready to start it up again. And I figure this way, through my own blog, I can write as much or as little as I want, on whatever I want and most importantly, whenever I want.

So today, when I was supposed to be paying attention in my THREE hour seminar class (sorry mom), but honestly if you were in it, you’d understand. Lol anyways, once I decided I wanted to start writing again, I looked up my articles from the Odyssey and as I was reading through them, I realized I’m not the same girl I was only those few months ago. And I like it.

I’m actually starting to feel myself again, after what feels like a few years. I think I took a few steps back and reverted to a me I don’t care to remember. When I was in high school, I spent the first two years quiet and in the background. I liked it that way. Other than those closest to me, no one really knew me. No one knew that I was actually beyond sassy for my “little 5’1″ frame” (thank you Nathan, for coining that one) . No one knew that when I laugh REALLY hard, I snort. No one knew that my favorite type of music is hip-hop (but only the explicit versions (;). No one knew that I LOVE dancing and I can dance for hours on end. Cloud can attest to this (she doesn’t call me a “beast” for nothing).

As I got older, I started to realize it was doing me no good to shy away from the world. Why was I okay to be just in the background?

I wasn’t.

For those of you who know me now, know I’m anything but shy. I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind and I never shy away from problems or confrontation. I don’t take “no” for an answer when it’s something I want. It’s not in my nature and it never was. During my junior year of high school, I started being myself with everyone because I figured “Why the hell not?” And you know what? It felt good. Senior year, that was it, I was ME for all intents and purposes. I stopped being the quiet pushover, I gained a leadership position in student government because that’s what I liked, to lead. Freshman me was so proud.

But of course, finally being my ever so soft-spoken self — just kidding, we all know I’m anything but lol — wasn’t well received by everyone. But I didn’t care which also didn’t sit well with people. I pulled a complete 180 on some people. So I get it. I rubbed them the wrong way, it happens. I used to care and adjust to what people wanted and asked of me. I wanted to please everyone but then like a switch, I just stopped. The sass may have been overboard for some people, some may have even thought me well… a bitch but I was done pleasing everyone. It just wasn’t possible and I had finally realized that. All this being said, I still had the same heart. I was still SUPER sensitive, I’d still cry at the drop of a hat, but I was just done hiding who I was.

In the last few years since I graduated high school, I softened again and I lost myself. But only in a certain aspect of my life. The sass stopped, I was ready to change when someone would so as mention (what I thought) a flaw in me. And I apologized all the time. multiple times and for everything. Gross. SO unlike me. There’s a difference in having the ability to apologize when needed and apologizing for the sake of keeping other people happy. I recognized the difference years ago,way back when but I guess I must’ve forgotten for some time.

And I may be a little jaded from being so soft these last few years but I think I needed this to realize I wasn’t myself anymore and I hadn’t been for awhile.

Needless to say, I’m back & it feels so deliciously good.

 

 

 

Some of my first works…

I originally started writing for The Odyssey and these are some of my articles just so you can get a feel for my style (:

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/am-me-because-of-you

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/no-strings-attached-fwb

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/poetry-today-reinvented-for-millennials

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/20-times-drake-gave-us-eargasms

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/the-spark

and my very first introductory piece

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/little-town-big-blessings

I hope you enjoy these while I get more acquainted with WordPress!